I didn't learn my anger

I didn't learn my anger. I had to learn my kindness though.

If I was dead on the floor, no one would check my pulse.

Instead, they would be calling my phone, asking me to help them with something. Asking for the path to their dreams. Meanwhile, my body has no pulse. No life. My phone just ringing endlessly Yet, they would think they could get something from her. Honestly, I’m sure my ghost would show up to help them.

I was just thinking about people-pleasing tendencies. From a young age, I feel like I was a people-pleaser. However, I am realizing right now that what I am experiencing is different than people-pleasing.

When I pull out of something or take a different approach, people get upset with me. There’s conflict. There’s been conflict my whole life. With everyone. Unless they are satisfied. There’s something so strong in my energy, that when I pull away, it worries people. It frightens them. It scares them. It leaves them uneasy. It empties their Soul.

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So, to avoid that strong reaction, I’ve learned to give it to them easy.

Is that people-pleasing, or is it a survival tactic?

There’s something about me that with the slight shift in energy, it changes people. It connects with people. It knows people.

I’ve been aware of it forever.

I’ve experimented, always in awe that I could do something small and get a large reaction, unlike another person in the room when they do the exact same thing.

I’ve learned to deal truths to people as they need them, or else the consequences can be some heavy hitters (for me).

In order to survive life, and not have others turn on me, I’ve had to learn to make others happy. I’ve had to learn kindness.

I might seem dramatic, but that’s just my energy working on you, again.

After living through my life thus far, I think that I might have a handle on who I am, and what is happening.

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I’ve never had to learn my anger. Although, I’ve mastered my anger. My passion. The energy of my Life. This mastery has led me to recognize the hundreds of angers that exist in this world. I’ve learned in many conversations and situations about how anger can show itself. It can be an annoyed voice, a loud voice, a soft but intentional voice, articulate words, words thrown with energetic fire behind them, tears of anger and frustration, a quick burn, a volcanic explosion, a hay fire that burns for days… I think you get it.

Each type of anger is unique and needs to be dealt with differently. I’ve learn those too. I have so many anger strategies that I can’t count them on my hands. I’ve learned how anger can transfer to other people, animals, plants and places in this world. And, I still don’t know all of it. I’m still learning every day.

I hold true anger. Divine anger.

The anger that no one wants to witness, because it is so powerful.

Either people see it or they don’t. Either I’m a threat by just looking their way, or I’m harmless and would never hurt a fly. I would love to know how people come to these different conclusions about me.

Anger comes naturally to me. A moment happens, and the anger crawls in to take her place. It either seeps into my bones, or opens my throat chakra, or beams down to fill the room around me. Divinely.

Kindness was something that I had to learn, not because I wasn’t kind. Rather I had to learn kindness to counter my anger. I had to hide my anger behind my kindness, to keep people feeling safe. I learned to smile, laugh, and be grateful, while keeping my anger at bay. I’ve learned when to keep my cards close, and when to unleash my anger.

I learned the consequences of wasted energy. I learned when to take shots, and when to put my energy elsewhere. I’ve learned to roll with the punches.

I learned kindness to conserve my energy. I learned where to direct my anger in order to keep moving through life. Every day, there’s still moments where my anger spills over and I get comments about how misplaced my anger is - even when it’s not anger, just strong energy. Sometimes a single look or deep breath or ending a phone call to early makes people think I’m angry with them.

At one point of my life, that made me keep everything in. It made me suck in my belly and walk on eggshells to not be accused of being angry or rude. I tried to be tactful. I tried to learn the rules. I tried to keep quiet. And when I kept quiet, it still wasn’t enough.

It doesn’t matter what I do. The anger bleeds through. And, I am asked to be responsible for my words. It is confusing because, what words? They misunderstood me, yet I’m the one facing trial. Sometimes, my alternative perspective on Life confusing people. Maybe it seems angry? I have no clue. I just know that I needed to survive.

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I didn’t have anyone to give me a break. No one told me to slow down. It was me against the world, and it still is. I live in conflict, not by choice but I’ve grown in this environment. On the run, being saved by kindness and favours.

The energy of my environment has made, and continues to make, me who I am. I continue to respond to the divine lessons that have made me examine my anger, rose petal by rose petal. Blooming. Swirling. Bleeding.

…and I digress, if I was dead on the floor, no one would check my pulse. They would assume that I would be okay.